I Watched Neopets Descend Into Hell And All I Got Was A Nightmare About Guy Fieri


AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY HEARD, The filters on Neopets forums stopped working last night, and according to rumor, all the mods were fired. Neopets owner Lord Jumpstart released a statement this morn saying that wasn’t the case but I’m starting to think Lord Jumpstart lies after hearing rumors of mods confirming they were fired and saying that Jumpstart was just lying to save themselves. Anyway, they took the boards down after hours of anarchy. Neopets thrived with sin and it was a wild ride. 


Watching it burn was incredible. Post after post, fuckword after fuckword and angry goody goodies flooded the forums late into the night. Furries? Check. Ass eating? Check. Daddy doms? Check. Guy Fieri? Bowser Dick? Drug Stories?  Yes. All there. It was magnificent. It fell to shit so fast and the storm on the way out was like nothing I’ve ever seen. Kotaku’s shitty article couldn’t have even described what it was like being an actual user on the site at this time. Old accounts, side accounts and newbies all exchanged lewd letters without fear of repercussion, perhaps because they truly believed the mods were gone forever or maybe because they wanted to freeze their accounts at Neopia’s highest point. Maybe they’ve been waiting 17 years to swear on Neopets. Maybe they wanted revenge for Dr. Sloth taking down the General Chat board many years ago. Maybe they just wanted to online date.

Anyway, my neopets riches are far too important to me to throw away on a conversation about eating ass, so I just sat there innocently watching. And laughing my ass off.

A lot of people argued that Neopets is a safe space for kids and anyone participating in this sinful apocalypse was an asshole. Last time I checked, the boards are age restricted and also…. there are no damn kids on Neopets. Especially late night. Hell, the reason Jumpstart wanted to buy Neopets was for the older crowd. And if your child is on forums late at night unsupervised, just expect them to know about furries cybering. That’s on you, parents that let your kids freely roam the interwebs.

Anyway, the Neoapocalypse was a beautiful disaster. Beautiful and terrifying. I learned things.

BUT AT WHAT COST??? The boards are down now and I want to trade shit. Damnit. Fuck. How Am I SUpposed to COMMUNICATE. Bring them back, Lord Jumpstart. Even if it’s a state of total anarchy and a free for all, the excitement of swearing on Neopets would wear off in a week.  I GOT STUFF TO TRADE.

Anyway, I hope to chat with all of you Neopets furries soon. Yiff in hell.lol

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